In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
