There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
