I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Princesses don't give blow jobs
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
