youre lurking in front of me
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
