my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize