I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
