The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize