He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize