i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
