I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
We're too hungover to prance.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
