dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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