Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
