I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
