theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
