I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
