i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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