Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
