I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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