I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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