also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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