he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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