Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
