It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
