Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
