I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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