Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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