The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
false alarm, still single
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
