just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
