The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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