I must be too annoying 4 u.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
