I'm jealous of your bromance
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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