Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
