your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
