Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
