Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
being pregnant is like rehab
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
