apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
