My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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