I could make wine with my vomit
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
