My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
