I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
