Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
