Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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