How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
