Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize