she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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