Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
