so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Randomize
