just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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