Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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