I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
