What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
you had me at cake vodka
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
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