Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
