just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
wanna go halves on a baby?
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
