I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
