You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
