i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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