I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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