Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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