She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
