his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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