I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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